Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
