im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
