i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
don't judge my taste in strippers
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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