Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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