Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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