Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
