living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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