I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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