I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
