based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You smell like stripper and shame
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
