Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
