The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
