Kareoke will never be a sober sport
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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