I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
