I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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