I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
