the condom got lost in my hair
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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