It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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