I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
