when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
