Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
