i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
