My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
