I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
