I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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