Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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