i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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