U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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