Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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