If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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