The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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