ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
