Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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