So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
