just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
My ATM looks so different sober.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
