I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize