The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize