no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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