Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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