I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
His hands were made for my vagina.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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