It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Shitshow foam night was such a success
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
