Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
