I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
