gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
