I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
