She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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