Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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