I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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