Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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