How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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