her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
it's like iHOP with fire
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
