I think my vagina is haunted
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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