i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
