I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
