ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
