is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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