my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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