I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
