Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
