The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
