It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
