If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
