took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
